i really dont know

*not fishing for compliments. just being real*

i know others have it harder than me.
i know others understand what im feeling.
i also know that (again) others have it harder in life than me so i need to quit the whining...
im tired of the weight gain from all these failed treatments.
im tired of knowing that others talk so much **** about me after having done so much for them. (ok, im totally victimizing myself there and ill just leave it) (thats what i get for being so naive back then .......)
im tired of my ovaries being on strike
dont even get me started on adoption......................................................................................................
im tired of people trying to be all competitive over silliness. again. what is there to be competitive over????
im tired of going through another mother, father's, and some holiday day (or, any day) without a newborn of our own to hold and/or scream  or, coo. or, have a blowout. i take it all.
im tired of being tired.
get over it tiff.

i  try to do my own thing. personally, i can't stand whining so i really try to take that energy and turn it into something positive. hence all the trips into the city. building up my talents to keep my mind off such heartache and try to fuel it all into something positive. but i feel like im failing. it doesn't take much to figure out that ive been trying to fill a void. its so weird to me that although i never have had kids but i have such a huge need to feel that void. to be a mom, ya know. most moments i dont feel the yearning but when the feelings come and they aren't on the positive side, they sound a lot worse than this. crazy thing, i knew this was going to be a problem for me when i was 17 so im not all that surprised. but the depths of such feelings when they explode.. yeah, that is not what im expecting. trust me, im filtering this rant out. a lot of deletion going on here. lol

im genuinely a content person as i have so so sooo much to be happy and grateful for. i know all this is suppose to be for my good and to make me a better person, right......................... i can do hard, right??

oh, and, im a terrble blogger too. IM SORRY GUYS!! IM TRYING!! lol I really am!

whatever the **** normalcy is and can i get it in several shot glasses already?  *figuratively* not that make life would be easier........... would it?

one whining post for this year, DONE.

Ok, anyone got a joke to lighten up this post?

Ike's Place Pt 1 of 2

this is what a drive into Sf looks like for me.... it started with some cool breeze action followed enjoying THE messiest and delicious of sandwiches i have ever had (next to vietnamese sandwiches - im biased- lol), and ended with a nice trip to full house.. i mean to see the infamous "painted ladies" that you see in the opening scene on that TV Show, Full house.. 

You have no idearrr how many times Ive tried taken photos of this bldg but their was always some bus in the  way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now its about time I got it a photo of my own!! Love those bay windows!! 

Everyone meet Ikes. If  you dont believe me on how good this place is, believe them! :))

 STOP RIGHT HERE!!! Check out that "dirty sauce" oozing out of that sandwich. It def was a messy eat.

we head over to Dolores park and enjoyed us some of this messy grub. we had about ..ole 19 napkins and it just wasnt enough. 

Sooooo, I was with this girl, Kinjal, when Bi-rite swept me off my feet and we have had a love affair since. (nolan knows about this and is full blown OK with this.) When did this start? How, you ask! Well, one night some years ago, K and I were in Sf chillen one late evening. Kinjal was like "i want ice cream! i know its storming in sf but lets get ice cream" (she gets on yelp.com finds this place. and, we drive over there with 2mins to spare before it CLOSED!!!). Soo, my crazy self drops her off in a line that long since I couldn't find parking. She brings ice cream into car and we both were floored. It was the first time I drove across SF under 13mins and the first time I had roasted banana and honey lavendar ice cream. Did I mention I drove across SF with TWO MINUTES to spare!!

Anywho, it was nice to replace those memories with something more warm and sunny. Yayyy!!

Okay, now to the Full House-houses.... "Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, The paperboy, The evening TV"... talk about nostalgia. seeing these not only brought back my love for Uncle Jessie's mullet and when he sang "Forever" to his lady, Rebecca, at their wedding!! You know the lyrics to it. Sing with me now folks. lol "If every word I said could make you laugh, Id laugh forever" (except I say forever as in the Sandlot kind of way... fooooooor-eeeeev-verrrrr). Yes, Im so random. 

San Francisco LOVE: Bay Windows

 Their is so much I love about San Francisco. Let's start with the BAY WINDOWS!!! 

Its sounds like a cliche. How I want to ahve one of these windows with a comfy seat on the inside so I can overlook a nice view while sipping on some yummylicious hot chocolate. One can dream.... 

Nols and I love so much about the city and I. Ill make sure to not take such crappy photos and have my camera with me instead instead of using someone elses. Hope they opened your eyes to the amazing sites Sf has!! We love this City!! :)) 

#sf #baywindow #sanfrancisco #love #architecture

those nights

nothing like sf at night. its a different world and its so beautiful. filled with so many memories. sometimes i take this city for granted as it has always been good to me especially at night. 

nols and i drove through city on saturday night and we talked about our young single adult days when we both were single and free. he talked about his time spent at byu with his college boys and i talked about my salsera days. we both had such a healthy young single lives filled with so much spontaneity and organize chaos. (what.. lets leave in a few hours and drive to mexico and take 15 of our friends with us. sure!!)  those days were filled with going to young single adult activities especially those young single adult DANCES. how their were so many opportunities for people to do things together. we are always down to rediscover the home we live in and make new friends, it just seems harder as we still dont have kids. 

i sometimes cant believe that those days as it seem like a blur now. its nice that we moved on and have each other. im just grateful that those days taught me how to make the best of what i had. now im finding that im going back to those experiences to help keep me grounded during these days. i never thought i would.  

What am I doing here?

love.that.bridge.

i feel its not fair that the golden gate gets all the attention. the bay bridge is pretty dope too. 

It just seems my infertility woes are cured whenever I'm in the City. Its always been like this for me since I was a teen. I dont know if I can ever live here though. Once, I had hoped for that "big city" life to happen right after highschool in NY but life had other plans. Instead, I ended up living on my own in Texas then Idaho. I did it all on my own too. No help from mom or anyone else. I remember carrying a duffle bag, a backpack, and a polaroid camera around my neck. If I couldn't fit my needs into those two bags then I didn't need them. My free spirit was already use to living in many places since I was 14 that it just made sense to get out and stay out of Calii.  Yet, I found myself back here.

Im glad I did as I met the man I love here in the Bay. Now that we are married and the chances are looking real slim that no kids of our own will happen, the desire to have the city life experience has been rearing its head. I have never lived in one place this long either other than when I lived in the Trailer park with mums and sis. (drug dealers at both ends of our street, stray RABBITS hopping around, and where dumpster diving for dinner wasn't something to be ashamed of as it seemed something everyone around was doing).

It's cool to have stability but it is sooooooooooooooooo awkward/strange/weird. DONT GET ME WRONG. I LOVE THE SF, BAY AREA!!! Its healthy to have this consistency yet my soul is tormented by it at the same time This whole infertility chapter in my life has brought all sorts of ugly goodness out and that is one of them. Now that I family living in NYC,  it just seems like its an omen. But, I'm wondering if some night clubbling action would just give me my fix. I already know the answer to that one. I have already been there and done that in my Salsera days (my past life). Snuck into salsa clubs as a teen and desperately wanting to learn how to salsa dance because we were too poor to put me in dance class. I wasn't interested in anything else. Not drinking, not the boys, but just dancing. I just loved dancing. I gave it up when I got married. I just need change and not the one you put in a parking meter. har har

Ill never forget the faces on some Lds members faces when they saw me at Church in the first month I was there. They recognized me from hanging out in the Salsa clubs and lounges and we both had that look at each other that read, "What are you doing here?"

And, that is what Ive been asking myself lately.. What am I doing here?

Off the Grid, Sf

Modern day hunter-gatherer action going on this past Friday. If you're ever in Sf, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND that hit up THE best food truck extravaganza you will have ever attend. Okay, I'm a little bias.........

 gotta love that fog and flag

im overly obsessed with this coat. i got it on sale and with a gift card so it was uber cheaper. not to mention that its two sizes larger than me yet i cant stop wearing it. its so perfect for sf and i guess for these eating events too! its my equivalent to wearing stretchy pants....... har har. 

hitting this place up is one of our favorite things to do especially after nolan's surf sessions at ocean beach

i climbed three flight of stairs for this shot and i didn't do it any justice

one of my infamous eating buddies instagramming away vvv

some of the trucks we visited

someone had just fallen when i snapped this pic if  you're wondering why the concern looks on their faces!

 now i love this section more. it was hidden away from all the chaos. not to mention the delicious corn you will ever have was hiding over here. well, next to my corn roast that is. ;)

walked by this flag and had to put the hair down for this shot. always wanted a pic by my favorite flag. 

too bad i didn't have a flower crown..... (lana del ray reference...)

i love this city!! its so so diverse here. sf, you drive me crazy good! im so happy to live in the Bay and that you're MY city. :))

p/s: Fun read from one of our earlier Off the grid visits with Nols. 

Yeah, we love this place long time.

#offthegridsf #foodtrucks #happy

Bubbles and bubbles

I was waiting in the car while my galpal was shopping at one of the shops off Haight when I saw this in my rear view mirror. While people watching, I saw a family walk by me and didn't think much of it. Much time had passed  since I saw them last (I know this because my friend is a very slow shopper) when I looked out my window and saw BUBBLES!!! They were everywhere!! Flying outside my window, over my car, and into my car!! Bubbles and Bubbles everywhere I looked!! Then seeing these two in my rear view mirror and I knew it was a moment worth capturing! It literally felt magical. I can't stop smiling when I look at this!!

In my opinion, he receives Father/Uncle/Brother/Cousin... idk ... of the Year for doing this don'tcha think? 

That child had the biggest smile on her face and I hope you do too!!

Now I want one of those machines!!

#bubbles #love #happy

National Donut Day 2013 + Blogger link up

Made my way to Bob's Donut & Pastry Shop in Sf  and only because I gave into peer pressure. The delicious kind of peer pressure that is AND I think is acceptable every now and then to do that. Just sayin' 

AND, it all started because it was #nationaldonutday AND my friend was like we got a go to the best donut place in Sf (according to Yelp). I believe it when I saw that the storefront was bare and their was a line out the door. OUT THE DOOR. 

THEN you finally walk in and you see this in its full glory. shelf after shelf filled with so much  selection. apple fritters, glazed donuts, and cake donuts - oh my!! i got too distracted and the photos basically ended after this next one.

They had just put this down and I barely got a photo before this tray became bare.

I came home with this delicious chocolate french cruller in a bag.. Never had one before and did I mention that Im not a donut person? Im not!!! My intentions were that I wasn't going to eat it. I will admit the oil from this place turned me off. i bet the place cooked millions today! well

Where was I? Oh, when I came home, I placed that bag onto the kitchen table. As I was chillen in the living room with nols, i heard something call to me and say, "eat me eat MEEEE." i was like what the french cruller is going on? i walk and somehow it jumped out and placed itself perfectly onto this plate.  my heart said "oh heck naw. don't go there" but my nose.. oh, my nose.

Well, if it isn't obvious already. food is my kryptonite and I lost (again) tonight but it was a mighty fine battle. It is one the best sugar highs Ive experienced AND if i dont wake up in the morning, you know why! Yes, yes.. the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Yeah, if I wake up missing I may be there too. ;)

also, check out this link up with this adorable blogger!

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